


But We Dont

by whatadudeman



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Death, Friendship/Love, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-22 00:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatadudeman/pseuds/whatadudeman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We should see ourselves in the light that other people see us in. But we don’t. We don’t because we’re to busy focusing on our flaws.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](http://styleslovesmalik.tumblr.com)!

“Holy shit!” I crouched behind the counter.   
Niall looked at me like I had grown a third head. “Enjoying yourself down there?”   
“It’s that guy!” I whispered. “The guy that you made me talk to at the bar the other night!”  
“So?” he questioned.   
I sighed, exaggerating my eyes so he would catch on.   
“Oh, that guy.”   
I nodded quickly, “Yes him! Now go see what he wants while I hid in the back.”

“I don’t own the place, you do.” 

“Please?” I asked, a pleading smile on my face.   
He sighed and went to talk to him as I crawled into the backroom. I opened some shipping boxes and reviewed orders until he came back.   
“What did he want?” I asked.   
“He was looking for you,” he said, nonchalant.   
My eyes went wide. “Why?”   
He laughed. “Relax, Zayn, he just came in looking for something to wear to a work party.”  
“And what did you tell him?”   
“That all we sell here is shitty designed t-shirts and jeans and that he should try Men’s Warehouse down the street.”   
I nodded, “Good.” Then I caught on to his comment about my designs and gave him a glare.  
“Why don’t you want to talk to him?” he asked, giving me a suspicious eye.   
“It was a one night stand, that would just be awkward.”   
“You’re both adults, I don’t think it would matter.”   
I shrugged and hurried past him as I heard the door alert when someone came in.   
“Zayn?” he asked.   
A small gasp escaped me as I saw him again, the very thing I was avoiding. “Harry. What are you doing here?”   
“Wait, do you work here?” he asked, with that charming smile.   
“Actually, I own the place,” I told him.   
“I had no clue, I just stopped in and the guy who was here told me to try the men’s store down the street. I just came back to tell him he got me good.”   
“Men’s Warehouse?” I asked.   
He laughed and shook his head. “He sent me to ‘Men’s Casual’ which is actually a really weird name for a sex store specializing in bondage.”   
I struggled not to laugh. “I am so sorry about that.”   
“That would be a bit more sincere if you weren’t biting your lip to keep from laughing.”   
I smiled.   
“But, how have you been?” he asked.   
I felt it then, the awkward situation coming.   
“I’ve been fine, good really.”   
He nodded.   
“What about you?” I asked to make conversation.  
“Fine.” He looked down then, taking in a breath. “This might not be the right thing to say, but I was hoping I would see you again.”   
I took it in, not saying anything.   
He went on, “I’m sorry..”   
I shook my head, “No, um, it’s fine. It was nice to see you too.”   
He let out a laugh, “That sounds like something you would say to a distant relative who just stopped by your house in the middle of your favorite TV show.”   
I had to smile.   
“Well, I’m gonna go, I should get to work. Have a nice day.”   
“You too,” I nodded.   
He turned to leave then and on his way out I noticed he left something on one of the display tables. I went over to find that it was a business card. I looked up to meet eyes with him just as he had crossed the street. He smiled and gestured with the call me sign.  
I found Niall in the back a few minutes later. “I can’t believe you sent him to that sex shop!” I exclaimed.   
“He came back?” he asked.   
“Yeah, to thank you,” was my sarcastic response.   
“Did you talk to him?”   
“Of course I talked to him, I had to.”   
“Was it ‘awkward’?” he laughed.   
“Slightly, yes! He said he had been hoping to see me again.”   
“That’s good! You said he was hot, right?”   
I rolled my eyes at him. “And look,” I said, handing him the card.   
“He gave you his card?” he asked, looking it over.   
“Sure did,” I sighed.   
“He’s a doctor?” he asked, his eyebrows exaggerated by the fact.   
“What?”   
“Did you even read this thing? Or were you to busy staring at his ass?” he joked.   
I took the card from him and looked it over. Harry Styles, Head of Dentistry, Aurora Clinic. I looked to Niall with wide eyes.   
”No wonder he’s got great teeth,” he laughed.   
Just then the doorbell went off again. “Get to work,” I told him, gesturing to the door. I tucked the card into my pocket to be nice, but I knew there was no way I could call him. The point of a one-night stand was that it only lasted one night. If I were to call him that would mean that I was interested in something more, and I wasn’t. I wasn’t interested in anything, period.   
After work I found myself hanging out with the usual crowd at the little restaurant we go to every Thursday night. We liked to get drunk on Thursdays because Friday nights were to mainstream and most of my friends didn’t have real jobs anyway. There was Josh, who worked at the gym as a personal trainer. He was fit as hell but lacked in brainpower. Then there was Louis, another gay for the group. He was great for a laugh and fashion advice, if you were into that sort of thing. And Perrie, the one who gets sluttier as she drinks. So you see, we were a perfect group of friends. And the night was going well, until we tried to leave. Everyone had gone to their cars or taxis and it was just Niall and I now. He didn’t live far from the restaurant so we decided to walk back to his place as we usually did. Niall was laughing about something someone had said and I was trying to follow why it was so funny but his Irish slurs were making it hard, as was my slightly drunken state. So I just laughed and let my arm fall over his shoulders and held onto him because that was what best friends did. It was when Niall leaned over to pick his keys off the ground that I lost my balance. I fell forward and to the ground, hitting my jaw on the cement. Niall gasped and kneeled down to try and help me.


	2. Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A smile spread over his face and he came over to where I sat. “My pleasure,” he laughed as he took my face in his hands again. He left a kiss on my forehead before heading for the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said before leaving. “Feel better.”

“Is it bad?” I asked when we got upstairs.  
Niall’s brow furrowed and he looked terrified to tell the truth. I went to use his bathroom and looked in the mirror. Part of my front tooth was missing and I was a disaster.  
Not only did I look like a vampire with all that blood around my mouth, but my hair was a sloppy mess from the drunk crying and Niall trying to push it out of my face as I sat on the sidewalk. I sighed and looked to him in the doorway.  
“What am I gonna do?” I asked and tried not to swallow.

“Do you still have Harry’s card?” he asked.

My eyes went wide. Oh no, I was not going to call him. I had promised myself I wouldn’t.  
“Nope,” I lied.  
“What did you do with it?” he asked.  
I shrugged, pretending I didn’t remember. He went into his bedroom and I followed. He grabbed my jeans from the bed, because of course I just had to have changed there, and searched the pockets. He smiled when he pulled out the card and handed it to me. I frowned.  
“You need help,” he reminded.  
“What if he’s asleep, or with someone?” I asked.  
He shook his head to brush away my worries. I looked to the clock to see it was nearly one. He was going to think I was insane for calling at that hour. But I did it, because I was drunk and bleeding, and I couldn’t get much worse if I did call him, right?  
“Zayn?” he answered, his voice sleepy and hoarse.  
“Harry, hey. Sorry I woke you.”  
I heard the sheets untangle as he probably sat up. “It’s fine, but why are you calling me so late?”  
“I had a little accident,” I told him. And then I burst out laughing at how bad that sounded, like I had pissed myself or something, and because I was slightly drunk.  
But he was serious, “What happened? You alright?”  
“I fell,” I told him. “I busted my tooth on the concrete and part of it is missing and I’m a downright mess right now and there’s a lot of blood too and I hate blood.” Somewhere in that little speech I had become hysterical apparently because now I was drunk crying again and I felt so vulnerable. And I hated being vulnerable because it meant you could get hurt.  
He was still on the line though; I probably would’ve hung up on myself by now. “Okay. Where are you?”  
“I’m at my friends,” I told him.  
“Can you text the address to this number?” he asked.  
“Okay,” I stuttered and hung up. Then I handed the phone to Niall before I sat down. He texted him as I thought how messed up all of this was and suddenly I wished that Louis was there so he could make a joke and I would feel better. I wanted to stop crying and get myself together but I couldn’t. Why did I choose to drink when I knew this would happen? Harry was in for a rude awakening when he would see me.  
He showed up a half hour later and by that time I had given up on all hope. I was loosely biting a napkin Niall had given me so I didn’t drool blood on his bed and wallowing in self-pity and pain. He looked tired but he had somehow managed to put on jeans and a sweatshirt to come help me. I sat up and tried to say something but I forgot the napkin was still in my mouth so it came out in more of a groan. He came over to me and lifted my head with his hands under my chin. I watched as he pulled the napkin from my mouth and held it out to Niall. He grimaced but took it anyway. He then told me to open my mouth. I did and he furrowed his brow.  
“You must be in a lot of pain,” he frowned.  
I nodded my head and suddenly all I wanted was to be cuddled and have my hair played with. He wanted me to rinse out my mouth so he helped me get to the bathroom. After I did what he said he inspected my mouth again and seemed to make a diagnosis.  
“For tonight you’ll just have to get some sleep. I can see you at the office tomorrow morning.”  
I nodded and frowned. “But it hurts,” I complained.  
He nodded. “You can put some ice on it if you want.”  
I looked to Niall. “Got any pain medicine?” I asked.  
Harry crossed his arms over his chest. “Since you smell like the floor of a brewery, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
I frowned and slumped back to the bedroom when I sat down on the bed again. He and Niall followed, watching me as if they were parents watching their child. I let the act go and sighed.  
“Thanks for coming Harry,” I said softly. I even threw in a small smile.  
A smile spread over his face and he came over to where I sat. “My pleasure,” he laughed as he took my face in his hands again. He left a kiss on my forehead before heading for the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said before leaving. “Feel better.”  
When he was gone Niall turned to me with wide eyes. I shook my head at him, warning him not to make any comments.


	3. Mental

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was tall and blonde and I couldn’t help but think her skirt was to short to be appropriate but I realized it didn’t matter. I only waited a few minutes before Harry had appeared. Oh thank god. I stood up as soon as I saw him and he smiled. This receptionist too, gave me a look like I was a freak.

The next morning I woke up in Niall’s bed in pain and with a hangover. Niall had gone out somewhere and I was alone. Well not really alone, as his cat decided to sleep on my stomach. I pushed Mittens off; I know, what a stupid name for a cat. Then found myself yearning for a shower because I smelled of alcohol and blood. When I finished Niall was back and had brought bagels.   
“What, you’re not hungry?” he asked as we sat down on his small balcony.   
I motioned to my mouth and shot him a look as if to say ‘you kidding, right?’  
He frowned. “Did Harry call yet?”

I thought it over a second. Did he say he was going to? Was I supposed to call him? My still intoxicated brain had no clue. Just then my phone went off inside. I hurried to get it, nearly crushing Mittens in the process.

“Hello?” I asked.   
“Zayn, it’s Harry.”   
I sighed, I was glad. I was starving and my mouth still hurt, even worse that the time Louis had bitch slapped me for calling him a cunt.  
“Can I come in?” I asked.   
“Yeah. Stop by whenever. I’ll tell the receptionist to expect you.”   
“Is it okay if whenever is right now?” I asked, quickly.   
“It hurts that bad?” he asked.   
I nodded and then realized this was a phone conversation so I said yes.   
“Yeah, just come on in now.”   
“Thanks,” I told him before saying goodbye.   
When I had put the phone away, Niall was in the room.   
“I’m going in right now,” I told him.   
“Dressed like that?” he asked.   
I looked down to my clothes to see that they were really his clothes, and a bit to big. I decided I didn’t care as long as I could get my tooth fixed.   
“I’ll return them later,” I told him.   
He nodded. “That’s fine.”   
Then I left a kiss on his head and let myself out. When I got down to the street I hailed a cab and got in. I told him the address while simultaneously covering my mouth with one hand, this was so embarrassing. The cabbie ignored my weirdness and took me to the clinic. When I got there I paid him and went inside. Now how the hell was I going to find out which suite or apartment or anything this office was in? The lady at the desk looked at me like I was a walking mess, which was okay, because I really was.   
“Can I help you?” she asked.   
I once again covered my mouth. “I’m looking for Doctor Harry Styles,” was my muffled response.   
She nodded and got up. “Follow me please.”   
So I followed her up the stairs and down a long hallway. We came to a second receptionist and she asked my name.   
“Zayn Malik.”   
The woman thanked the other woman and led me to a waiting room. She was tall and blonde and I couldn’t help but think her skirt was to short to be appropriate but I realized it didn’t matter. I only waited a few minutes before Harry had appeared. Oh thank god. I stood up as soon as I saw him and he smiled. This receptionist too, gave me a look like I was a freak.   
“Please help me,” I asked and I realized I sounded like a mental patient to the girl watching this strange interaction.   
Harry nodded with a smile and pointed to a room. I went in and he followed. I sat down on the dentist’s chair immediately.   
“Is it any better?” he asked.   
“Well I’ve stopped bleeding, if that’s any indication.”   
He cracked another smile and I realized I couldn’t remember the last time someone thought I was so funny. “Okay, open up.”   
I opened my mouth and he took a look then sat back. “It was clean break. No further crack, so that’s good. I’ll just have to smooth it a bit and fill it in,” he explained.   
“Is that gonna hurt?” I asked.   
“A little bit, because of the raw nerve endings.”   
I grimaced. I was not in the mood for more pain. He frowned but was giving me the look like he felt sorry but he knew it had to be done. It was really my fault anyway.  
I sighed, “Okay, lets just get it over with.”   
He nodded and grabbed his tools. He lowered the chair and the bright light was starting to blind me so I closed my eyes. I heard the drill then and I wanted to jump off a bridge. Wow, I really hated the dentist. He smoothed my tooth and it felt like a jackhammer. I reached out a hand and grabbed anything even remotely close enough to hold onto. When he was done he shut off the light and I opened my eyes. He was smiling sadly.   
“Thanks,” I told him.   
“Feel better?” he asked.   
I nodded and shrugged. I would live; I wasn’t that much of a baby. Then I realized I was still holding onto something. I looked before realizing it was Harry’s knee. I felt my face get hot. Oh god, how embarrassing. I quickly pulled my hand away and avoided eye contact.   
“So how much do I owe you?” I asked to quickly divert attention.  
I realized this would probably cost me a fortune but it was better than having a messed up tooth for the rest of my life.   
“Nothing, it’s fine.”   
I looked to him like he was crazy. And I wasn’t one to accept such generosity.   
“No way, I’m paying for it,” I insisted.   
“Zayn, it’s fine.”   
I shook my head. “No, it’s not. The only reason you aren’t charging me is because we fucked.”   
He put his face in his hand before I realized the assistant had come in. Her eyes were wide in terror. I wondered if she knew that Harry liked dick.   
“Just a minute,” Harry told her.   
She nodded quickly and it seemed like she was glad to get out of there.


	4. Involuntarily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I already turned you down once,” I told him, remembering when he said he was glad to see me again and I blew it off. He let out a laugh and it was a really nice sound. I found myself smiling too, involuntarily. When he stopped he nodded, “I know. But I’m giving you another chance. So don’t turn me down this time.”

“That’s not why, Zayn,” he told me. His voice was more strained now. “Is it wrong to want to help someone?”   
I nodded. Yeah, it was. He rolled his eyes. “Fine. No it’s not, but I don’t like it when people help me so just give the bill.”   
“What if you did something for me instead?” he asked, a coy smile on those ridiculously pink lips.   
I looked to see that the door was still open so I leaned forward a bit in the chair, expecting him to ask for something dirty. Not that he was like that, but I sure as hell was.

“I have a party to attend tonight and I don’t have a date yet.”   
But I couldn’t go on a date with him. One night stand, remember? One night. I wasn’t counting this whole tooth ordeal to be adding to that because if I didn’t see him today I would have to go around with half a tooth and never get laid again.   
“I already turned you down once,” I told him, remembering when he said he was glad to see me again and I blew it off.   
He let out a laugh and it was a really nice sound. I found myself smiling too, involuntarily. When he stopped he nodded, “I know. But I’m giving you another chance. So don’t turn me down this time.”   
I smirked, that idiot. “And if I go then were even?”   
He nodded and gestured as if he was brushing something off his hands.  
“Okay.”   
He smiled. “Great, I’ll pick you up around five.”   
I nodded and got up. It was about time I left his office before the assistants thought we were fucking.   
I headed to the store to see if Niall had burned the place down yet. He hadn’t, thankfully. But he did let Perrie be in charge of the cash register and I knew that wasn’t a good idea.   
“What’s this?” I asked Niall as I gestured to Perrie.   
“Sorry, I needed to go sign for the new delivery,” he frowned.   
Delivery? Thank god. “Niall, take over on the register,” I told him as I headed to the back. “And Perrie put back the money you took!”   
The new shipment was huge. I opened the first box to find the new supply of shirts. That wasn’t what I was looking for. So I opened the next one to find the new sneakers, but that wasn’t what I wanted either. I went back to the front to ask Niall if he had signed for the new blazers when I saw them already on display. They were gorgeous if I did say so myself.   
“You like?” Niall asked with a smile.   
I nodded and stripped the dummy.   
“Hey!” he complained. “You’re ruining my work.”   
I slipped on the blazer and walked over to the mirror. “What do you think?”   
Perrie clapped loudly. “You would look good in road kill.”   
Niall and I both gave her the brow.   
“You going out?” he asked.   
I nodded. “I have to attend a party with a doctor.”   
His eyes went wide and I couldn’t help but see a vague jealousy in them. “I thought you don’t do dates,” he asked, raising a brow.   
“It’s not a date,” I told him. “It’s just to pay him back for fixing my tooth.”   
He didn’t seem convinced but I didn’t have time to worry about that now. I had to find something to wear so I could go home, shower, and change.   
“Are you talking about Harry?” Perrie asked.   
I looked up from the shirt I was looking at to give her a quizzical look. How in the world did she know that?  
“Niall told me,” she shrugged.   
I looked to Niall again and shot him a look to let him know he was violating the bro code.   
“Did you tell anyone?” I asked her.   
She nodded. “I told Louis.”   
I shook my head. It seemed like none of my idiot friends knew how to keep their mouths shut. Now everyone would think that I was dating Harry, which I wasn’t.   
“Someone say my name?” Louis asked as he strolled in.   
Speak of the devil. I turned to him and smiled. He came over to me and kissed me, on the mouth. You’re probably finding this strange, but it’s Louis, and it was just how he rolled. Then he ran his hands down the blazer, straightening the collar.   
“Nice,” he grinned.   
I was smiling at him when Niall came back into the room. He looked annoyed again.   
“Doesn’t Zayn look hot in this jacket?” Louis asked him.   
Niall shrugged. “He looks fine.”   
“You always look fine,” Louis flirted before kissing me again.   
I could taste alcohol on his lips and I suddenly knew why he was being so flirty. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to me, kissing him again and making sure I got it all off his mouth. Niall made a disgusted sound and Perrie let out a sort of coo. Louis was laughing now and he let his head fall to my shoulder. For a second I had this thought that if I dated people, I would no doubt date Louis because he almost never gave a fuck about anything and it was great.   
“Okay, gotta go guys,” I told them. “Niall, lock up when you leave.”   
Niall sighed but agreed and the others just said goodbye.   
I grabbed the clothes I had picked out and went to catch another cab. Man was I tried of paying cab fair. When the cab dropped me off at my flat I went in and took a hurried shower. Then I got dressed in the new clothes and waited. It was ten minutes before Harry was to arrive and I looked good. My hair was working out perfectly and the clothes were ace. Tonight would be a great advertising opportunity for the store as well. So maybe I was going to get something out of it after all.


	5. At Least

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sure, blame the alcohol for wanting to fuck me.” He looked around and smirked. “You’ve got some mouth on you,” he noticed. I shrugged. “Then why were you drinking?” “My friends told me that I was all business and I never went out to have fun with them anymore.” I nodded approvingly, peer pressure was a bitch. “At least you got laid,” I reminded. He laughed. “At least,” he added.

Harry pulled up a little sooner than expected and rang the bell. “Be down in minute,” I answered through the intercom.   
I headed downstairs and was surprised to find him still waiting by the door. He smiled when he saw me. “You look great.”   
“This isn’t a date,” I told him. “You don’t have to compliment me.”   
He laughed and there it was again, the stupid smile that spread over my face. I looked more and more like an idiot each minute, I realized. He placed a hand on my back and guided me outside, as if I didn’t know where to go. When we got out there I gave him a suspicious look after seeing his car.

“A Porsche?” 

He frowned. “I know, I’m sorry if it’s a bit much.”   
It was. But I wouldn’t tell him that. Who could complain, right? Harry stepped in front of me to open the door and I grimaced. Did he have to? I didn’t like all that sappy romantic comedy shit. But I kept my mouth shut and got into the car anyway. When Harry was walking around to his side after shutting my door I noticed how great his ass looked in the jeans he was wearing. Then I remembered how great his ass looked without anything and smiled to myself.   
“I have to warn you,” he began. “These parties are usually kind of dull.”   
“Is there going to be alcohol?” I asked.   
He nodded as he pulled away from the curb.   
“Then it should be fine,” I joked.   
He laughed and turned on the radio for a bit of background noise.   
“So my assistant asked if you were my boyfriend..” he smiled.   
God I hated that word. But I played along. “No way!”   
He nodded. “She also thought she should remind me that the office was only for business and not personal use.”   
I laughed at that one. “So you fuck all your male patients in there?”   
Maybe female ones too, I realized. But who was I to judge?  
He smirked. “No, I don’t.”   
“Would you have fucked me in there?” I asked, getting a bit ahead of myself.   
I admit that I would have blushed had he asked me the same but Harry didn’t, he just kept his cool. He didn’t say anything either and that made me think that he totally would have but wouldn’t say it.   
We pulled up to the place a few minutes later and I didn’t wait for him to open my door because I wasn’t some girl. I got out and we walked up the stairs together. I had to admit that walking up those stairs with Harry made me feel like I was someone important. All eyes were watching that handsome fucker and they were all probably wondering what he was doing with me.   
“Harry, glad you could make it.”   
The man who greeted him was older, maybe mid forties, and rather round. Harry shook his hand as he said hello.   
“I wouldn’t miss it,” he smiled. “Mr. Montgomery this is a friend of mine, Zayn Malik.”   
And then that fucker put his hand on my shoulder like we were dating or something, and was smiling, like an idiot I might add. I shook the man’s hand and told him it was nice to meet him, only it really wasn’t and I could care less. But it seemed to make Harry happy, so whatever.   
After that ordeal we went over to the bar to get drinks. Harry leaned onto the bar with one elbow and asked me what I would have. I suddenly remembered the taste of Louis’s lips and wanted vodka.   
“Vodka tonic,” I told the bartender when he came over. Harry ordered a glass of wine.   
“Look at you, Mr. Dignified,” I smirked. “First the Porsche and now wine?”   
He laughed and rolled his eyes. “You think you know me so well, don’t you?” he asked.   
I admit that I was being kind of a prick, with picking on his way of life and what not. The drinks came along and I took a gulp of mine.   
“If I remember correctly you were drinking vodka the night I met you,” he said.   
I thought it funny he remembered considering I couldn’t remember a thing from that night.   
“You must have a great memory,” I laughed. “I can’t remember a thing.”   
“Remember when you nearly fell down the stairs trying to escape your own apartment?” he laughed.   
I felt myself get red in the face. Of course I remembered. I still wanted to die. The morning after, which was not something I usually did, was a disaster with Harry. I was so hung over that I didn’t even realize I was in my own apartment. I was mentally scolding myself for sleeping over at someone’s house while trying to pull on my jeans. Apparently I was making a lot of noise because Harry woke up to find me at the stairs, nearly about to commit suicide, and told me that we were in my building.   
“I can’t believe you were trying to run,” he said.   
“I don’t do ‘the morning after’. I don’t even do sleepovers,” I told him.   
“I don’t do one night stands,” he said. “I don’t know what I was even doing drinking that night.”   
“Sure, blame the alcohol for wanting to fuck me.”   
He looked around and smirked. “You’ve got some mouth on you,” he noticed.   
I shrugged. “Then why were you drinking?”   
“My friends told me that I was all business and I never went out to have fun with them anymore.”   
I nodded approvingly, peer pressure was a bitch.   
“At least you got laid,” I reminded.   
He laughed. “At least,” he added.


	6. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning I woke up to the sound of my buzzer and an empty bed. I got up and pulled on my underwear before going to answer. “Morning,” I heard as I walked past the kitchen. So the fucker hadn’t left. He was still here, in his underwear, and making breakfast. I decided to ignore that a minute and answer the door first. “Hello?” I said into the intercom. “Zayn, it’s Niall. Let me up.”

I took another sip before noticing a woman headed this way. I figured she just wanted to say hello to Harry so I ignored it. But I was in for a rude awakening when she showed up and wanted to talk to me. It took me a minute to recognize her.   
“Mrs. Payne?” I asked.   
She gave me a sad smile. “How have you been Zayn?”   
I sighed. “I’m fine. How are you?”   
I realized that was a stupid question. You could tell how she was just from looking at her. She was still a miserable wreck, but who could blame her? I sure as hell didn’t.

“I’m okay,” she said, and then glanced to Harry.

“This is Harry,” I told her. He took a minute to shake her hand.  
“Is this your new-“   
I cut her off by shaking my head rapidly. She gave me a soft smile and I realized how much it reminded me of Liam’s and I wanted to throw myself off a building. She said it was nice seeing me and then left a minute later.   
I think Harry could tell I was upset because he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. And fuck, did I want to be anywhere else at that moment. He didn’t ask though, even if there were probably a million questions running about his head. I took my drink and swallowed the rest. I decided that I really wanted to kiss Harry in the moment. Really bad.   
“Can we go?” I asked him.   
He nodded and moved his arm. When we got back to my place Harry slowed the car. I opened the door and let one foot out before looking back to him. “Are you coming?” I asked.   
His brow seemed to lift a bit with his surprise. He turned off the car and followed me upstairs.   
The next morning I woke up to the sound of my buzzer and an empty bed. I got up and pulled on my underwear before going to answer.   
“Morning,” I heard as I walked past the kitchen.   
So the fucker hadn’t left. He was still here, in his underwear, and making breakfast. I decided to ignore that a minute and answer the door first.   
“Hello?” I said into the intercom.   
“Zayn, it’s Niall. Let me up.”   
I watched out of the corner of my eye as Harry came into the foyer to meet me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and let his lips rest at my neck. He smelled delicious.   
“Niall, it’s not a good time.”   
“You got a hangover?” he asked.   
“It’s just not a good time,” I repeated. He should’ve known by now that Saturday mornings, especially this early, were never a good time for me.   
“Okay,” he said before the intercom went dead.   
I turned my head and Harry kissed me.   
“I thought you would’ve left last night,” I told him after.   
“I said I didn’t do one night stands, and as far as I know this is the second night.”   
I was annoyed with this smug shit. This didn’t mean we were dating. This didn’t mean anything. But it was a bit to early to fight about it so I let it go. I untangled myself from him and went into the kitchen.   
“What did you make?” I asked.   
“Pancakes,” he said as he followed.   
Okay, so maybe I was a sucker for food, but I was still not okay with this.   
We grabbed some trays and took the food out to my balcony. The great thing about the balcony was that it was just high enough so no one could see you and just low enough so you could see them.   
“So what did Niall want?” Harry asked as he cut his pancake with a knife.   
I shrugged. “No idea.”   
“Aren’t you gonna call him?” he asked. “Maybe he’s in some trouble.”   
“Niall’s fine. He’s a tough one.”   
Harry smiled and took one of the strawberries from my plate. Who did he think he is? I was getting real tired of this domestic shit real quick.  
After breakfast I told Harry I had to get going for the day and that he should go. He agreed and left. I was surprised it had been that easy really. After I showered I called Niall.  
“Hey, sorry about earlier, did you need something?” I asked when he picked up.   
“Niall’s phone, leave a message.”   
It was Perrie’s voice. How stupid did she think I was?   
“Perrie, is Niall there?” I asked.   
“Yeah but he doesn’t want to talk to you.”   
“Where are you guys?”   
“At Josh’s.”   
I hung up and grabbed my coat. Those fuckers were hanging out without me. I was glad to finally be driving my own car and took the rover to Josh’s parents house. Yes, he still lived with his parents. One problem at a time people. I pulled up and parked in the front lawn before getting out of the car. I loved their house. It was out of the city and had so many trees and flowers. I really loved coming out there on weekends for ‘family dinner’ as they called it. I made my way to the back, passing under the small wooden arch, and avoiding being mauled by Josh’s husky.   
“Zayn, hi!” his mother yelled. “Do you want to eat something? Breakfast is nearly done.”   
I shook my head. “No thank you, Laura. I already ate.”   
“You? This early?” Josh questioned.   
“That’s nearly impossible, you can’t cook.” Perrie added.   
“He probably had someone make it for him,” Louis smirked.   
Well this was annoying.   
“I can cook, thank you very much.”   
“Who’d you fuck to get them to make you breakfast?” Louis asked. His lips were right at my ear and a shiver went up my spin.   
Niall leaned forward in his chair now and his brow rose. Now he wanted to listen? Wow, some friends.   
“I didn’t fuck anyone,” I decided. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, right?  
“Whose Porsche was that parked out front then?” Niall asked.   
It was surprising how seriously he was taking this. The others were at least somewhat kidding. Niall really seemed like he wasn’t.


	7. Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I shook my head. “She still looks a mess, mate. A fucking mess. And she looked so sad when she said his name and she thought Harry was my new boyfriend and I just wanted to jump off a bridge..” I was rambling now and it wasn’t good. Niall was frowning. “Zayn, it wasn’t your fault that Liam died.”

“Harry’s.”   
All eyes went wide but Niall’s. Niall’s just got angrier.   
“Who’s Harry honey?” Laura asked as she returned. She had her hand on my head and I nearly leaned into her touch.   
“This guy I fucked last night,” I told her.   
“Good for you honey,” she encouraged.   
I let out a laugh; this was why Josh’s mom was so great. Josh didn’t seem as amused but whatever. I turned to Niall again.

“Why did you come over anyway?” I asked him.

Louis let out a little laugh and Niall’s face seemed to redden. I looked to Louis again and he was nearly pissing himself. It was way to early for this shit. I dropped two lumps of sugar in my coffee and leaned back.   
“It’s so cute how clueless you are,” Louis smiled.   
I tried to shake my head to tell him I didn’t get it but he caught my cheeks with both hands. He brought his face to mine and demanded access to my mouth with his tongue. I let him and we kissed for a minute before Niall cleared his throat. Louis tasted like eggs and ham.   
“Remind me, have you two fucked?” Josh’s dad asked as he came out to say hello.   
“No,” I told him.   
“Maybe you should, you know?”   
Louis was in a fit of giggles as I looked to Niall again. “You gonna tell me why you came over or not? If you saw the car then why did you bother buzzin?”   
Perrie cleared her throat. “He brought you breakfast.”   
Niall threw his bagel at her. I ignored it.   
“Thanks,” I told him.   
“You don’t get it,” Perrie went on. “Not just you, you and him.”   
“Yeah, duh, he’s not just gonna watch me eat.”   
Josh rolled his eyes as Niall excused himself.   
They all looked at me when he left and I felt like I was being interrogated. “What?”  
“Niall likes you bro,” Josh said.   
I furrowed my brow.   
“The way Louis likes me?” I asked.   
“I just want to fuck you,” Louis said. “Niall isn’t like that.”   
I didn’t need anyone to tell me how my best friend was or wasn’t. And I couldn’t believe it but I was looking to Perrie of all people. “What do I do?” I asked her.   
“Be nice to him you dick,” she told me.   
I sighed and went on with it. Niall came back and I acted as if nothing happened. After they ate I asked Niall to come check out the store with me. The girls were there on the weekends and I really just wanted to talk to him by myself. He agreed and we set off.   
“How was the party?” he asked when I pulled out of the makeshift parking spot.  
“It was fine. I didn’t get massively drunk but I guess there’s a first for everything,” I joked.   
He let out a small laugh.   
“Liam’s mom was there,” I told him.   
His eyes went wide. “No way. Did you talk to her?”   
I nodded. Niall was the only person I would talk to this about, that’s why I hadn’t brought it up at breakfast.   
“Is she okay?”   
I shook my head. “She still looks a mess, mate. A fucking mess. And she looked so sad when she said his name and she thought Harry was my new boyfriend and I just wanted to jump off a bridge..”   
I was rambling now and it wasn’t good.   
Niall was frowning. “Zayn, it wasn’t your fault that Liam died.”   
I felt my eyes fill with tears. Motherfucking tears. “I know that!” I yelled. But did I? I don’t know.  
“He shouldn’t be dead,” I said through my teeth.  
Niall nodded. “I know.”   
I missed Liam like crazy. Two years later and I was still fucked up over it. As Niall looked for tissues the car phone rang. I slammed my hand on the steering wheel. God damn it.   
I looked to the screen as I pulled over to see that it was Harry . I realized I should probably answer.   
“What?” I asked.   
“You alright?” Harry asked.   
“I’m busy, what do you need?”   
“You left your jacket in my car last night. I didn’t realize until I got home this morning.”   
I glanced at Niall from the corner of my eye and I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable.  
I sighed. “Okay. I’ll stop by for it later. Just text me the address.”   
“Sure. Zayn, do you want to talk? You sound upset.”   
“I am upset!” I yelled.   
He didn’t say anything. I sighed and let my head rest against the steering wheel. I sighed again. “I’m not angry at you,” I managed. “I’m just angry. I’ll call you later.”   
“Okay, see you.”   
Why was I such an ass to him? It wasn’t even Harry’s fault. All he did was care and all I did was spit it right back in his face. Because that’s what I was good at, distancing myself from people. I sighed and looked to Niall. He was sitting there quietly, looking at the ground. And he was another problem now that he had a crush on me. When was I going to deal with that? Right now seemed like a good time.   
“Niall, Josh told me.”   
His eyes went wide and he blushed.   
“I’m sorry,” he said.   
“You don’t have to apologize, okay? But you know I’m not like that. I don’t want a relationship. And you deserve better than me anyway.”   
He frowned. “But I don’t want better. I just want you. And I guess I thought that maybe after Liam you would want me but I don’t think you’ll ever get over Liam.”   
That hurt. I didn’t want it too but it did. I deserved it. Maybe he was right, maybe I wouldn’t get over Liam. But you don’t stop loving someone just because they’re dead.   
“That’s kind of a fucked up thing to say, don’t you think?” I growled.   
“You wont get over him because you don’t want to. You’re just scared to move on.”   
Now I was angry. I was livid. “You don’t know anything!”   
“You’re scared! That’s it! You’re scared of being hurt again!”   
I gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Get out of the car.”   
He didn’t move.   
“Get out of the fucking car.” I said, not looking at him.


	8. Booth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I grabbed my phone at the stoplight and texted Lou. I told him to meet me at the pub. When I got there he was in the back, sitting in a booth. I hated booths. “What’s up?” he asked. “I just wanna get drunk,” I told him. “I thought you would never ask,” he grinned.

He opened the door and got out slowly. I pulled away and sped down the street. He would have to walk at least a mile to get anywhere relatively close to the city but I didn’t care, he could call a damn cab.   
This damn weekend was getting better and better I realized as I got a call from my mom.   
“Hello?”   
“Honey, are you okay?”   
“I’m fine.”

“You missed your cousin’s engagement party last weekend.” 

“Fuck. I totally forgot. I’m sorry.”   
“She knows you’re still dealing with things, it’s okay.”   
“I’m fine.”   
“Honey..” She trailed off and I pretended I was listening but I really wasn’t. I grabbed my phone at the stoplight and texted Lou. I told him to meet me at the pub.  
When I got there he was in the back, sitting in a booth. I hated booths.  
“What’s up?” he asked.   
“I just wanna get drunk,” I told him.   
“I thought you would never ask,” he grinned.   
So we did some shots and then a few cocktails. They say you shouldn’t mix your liquor but we didn’t give a damn. And somehow Louis had ended up in my half of the booth and was sitting in my lap. We kissed a few times but it wasn’t anything major. It was never anything major. Until Perrie showed up. She stomped over, leaving her date at the door, and yelled at me. She said I was a good for nothing man whore. Maybe I was. Wasn’t she the same thing? She didn’t appreciate that comment, however. I grabbed my stuff and left the pub but I wasn’t stupid enough to try to drive drunk. I had a missed call from Niall on my phone and a text from Harry. I didn’t answer either and instead took a stroll through the city. I stopped when I came to the cemetery, which seemed like an okay place for a drunken person, right? I went directly to Liam’s grave and sat down near the headstone. A tear slipped from my eye and I wiped it away.   
“I miss you, you bastard,” I slurred.   
And that was where I fell asleep. I woke up to my phone ringing around two am. It was Harry.   
“Zayn, where are you, are you okay? Niall called me and so did your friend Perrie.”   
“Perrie is not my friend. She’s a cunt.”   
He sighed.   
“Oh, I’m fine! Relax!”   
“Where are you?”   
“Nowhere important,” I told him as I got up. I walked out of the cemetery and looked at my text messages. Harry had texted me his address earlier. I looked at it and figured it was the closest place to go right now.   
“Are you okay at least?” he asked.   
“I’m fine,” I said before hanging up.   
I came to his condo almost ten minutes later. I knocked on the door loudly.   
“Zayn?” he asked when he opened the door. “What the hell happened to you?”  
“Life,” I shrugged.   
He cupped my cheek with one of his hands and brushed off a bit of dirt before taking my arm and pulling me inside. He made me kick off my shoes at the door and then led me inside to the bath. The place was huge and well furnished. I felt like I was in some palace. Harry pulled at my shirt and I lifted my arms, letting him have it. He then went for my belt and I laughed, kissing his cheek lightly.   
“Wow, you reek.”   
I frowned at his comment before kissing him again, this time catching his lips. He indulged me for a minute but pulled away to soon. Why had I been kissing Lou when I could’ve been kissing Harry? Why did I make any of the choices I did? They all seemed shitty to me.   
“Kiss me when you’re sober,” he said before making me sit down on the toilet so he could pull off my pants. I frowned but obeyed. His hands moved quickly along my skin and before I knew it he had me naked and in the bath. The water felt nice on my nearly frozen feet. I just sat there staring into the water before Harry picked up my chin with his finger. He brushed some hair out of my face while looking at me with that sad puppy dogface.   
“What happened to you?” he whispered sadly.   
I shook my head slowly. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t even explain how fucked up everything was. He frowned and helped me to stand up. He then helped me towel off and made me put on a pair of his pajamas. When he put me in his bed I heard him on the phone.   
“Yeah he’s here. He’s fine, just a little shaken up I guess.” He paused to let the other person speak. “I’m doing my best.” Another pause. “I don’t think he wants to see you right now.” Pause. “He came to my house, didn’t he? I think there’s a reason he didn’t go to yours.”   
I heard the phone hit the couch after he threw it aimlessly. Then he was in the bedroom, frowning at me again.   
“Was that Niall?” I asked.   
He nodded before taking off his shirt. When it was gone and on the floor he got into the bed and wrapped his arms around me tightly.   
“I was worried about you, Zayn.”   
I hummed.   
“Your friends were too.”   
I didn’t say anything. They were always worried about me.   
“I honestly don’t think you care.”   
That one made me mad. Of course I cared. Well sober Zayn cared, a little. I flipped over and buried my head in his chest. “Shut up.”


	9. Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I didn’t care at the moment; I just wanted to get home. But when I got home, I realized I didn’t have a key to get inside. I had lost the car keys and they had my house key on them too. I was so angry at myself but I had to get inside so I called Lou. “Morning sugar,” he answered. “Do you know where my keys are?” I asked without greeting.

The next morning I awoke to a strange place. I looked around to realize that it was indeed still Harry’s room and I was indeed still an idiot. I didn’t do sleepovers. I turned my head to see him next to me, on his back, his hair a mess on his forehead. He looked hot, but was there a time he didn’t? I ignored that for now and got up. I found my clothes in the bathroom and swapped them with the pajamas Harry had made me put on. I found my phone and wallet too, on the counter. I got my shit together and left, hailing a cab. I didn’t know where my car was, I realized. Well that was fantastic.

But I didn’t care at the moment; I just wanted to get home. But when I got home, I realized I didn’t have a key to get inside. I had lost the car keys and they had my house key on them too. I was so angry at myself but I had to get inside so I called Lou.

“Morning sugar,” he answered.   
“Do you know where my keys are?” I asked without greeting.   
“Haven’t seen them,” he said.   
I sighed. “Are you positive Louis, cause I kind of cant get into my house right now.”   
“You can always come over here,” he flirted.   
I hung up. This wasn’t what I needed right now. I thought maybe I could pick the lock but I didn’t know how to do that and I didn’t want to set off the alarm system. I was messed up but I didn’t need to go to jail right now too.   
At least I knew the keys weren’t at Harry’s. That was one positive thing. But I didn’t want to walk all the way back to the pub so I had to call the cunt.   
“You got some nerve calling me,” she answered.   
“You still answered, didn’t you?” I retorted.   
“What do you want?” she asked.   
“Do you have my keys?” I asked.   
She said no.   
“Did you see them at all last night?” I asked.   
She said no and that I should try asking Niall. I didn’t want to ask that fucker, that’s why I was calling her dumbass. But I let it go and said goodbye. Then I walked over to Niall’s because like I said, I didn’t want to call him.   
He shut the door in my face as soon as he opened it. I managed to stop it though, and pushed it open.   
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.   
“You kick me out of your car, I kick you out of my flat.” His tone was condescending but I realized I probably deserved it.   
“Speaking of my car, have you seen it?” I asked.   
“Jesus Zayn,” he moaned as he let his hands run through his hair. He had let go of the door and I stepped in fully. “When are you gonna stop being such a fuck up?”   
That kind of hurt but I wouldn’t show it. “Look, I need your help, okay? Just help me.”   
He glared at me. “Why should I?”   
“Because you’re still my best friend!”   
He seemed to soften at that and I frowned. He was looking at the ground when he spoke next. “You know I would do anything for you,” he said.   
I nodded.   
“What do you need?” he asked.   
I hugged him, crushing him into me. His arms wrapped around me tightly. We were both surprised to hear someone clear their throat in the doorway and turned to see Lou.  
“Well isn’t this cute,” he smiled.   
I let go of Niall and crossed my arms.   
“Relax,” he said. “I realized I did have your keys and I’m just here to give them back.”   
I was relived. I could finally go home. He held them out to me and when I tried to take them, grabbed my arm. He pulled me into his chest and kissed me hard. His hand was on the back of my head and I had to admit that felt great when you had a hangover. But then I remembered Niall and pushed him away. He left a kiss on my cheek while giving Niall a look and then left.   
I looked to Niall. He shrugged as if it didn’t bother him. I kissed his head and left too. I walked back to my place and changed into more comfortable clothes before heading to the gym. I needed to work off this hangover. I ran a few miles and realized my pores were leaking the smell of alcohol and wanted to vomit. I did vomit, actually, in the parking lot before heading home. I really needed to figure out where my car was because I was sick of all the god damn walking I was doing.   
I got home to find a car out front, not mine though. It was Harry and his Porsche. What a freaking buzz kill. He was waiting outside, leaning on his car. He was wearing a trench coat over some skinny jeans and he looked hot as hell.   
“Hey,” I said as I stopped in front of him.   
“You left,” he said, his eyes lacking of their usual gleam.   
I shrugged. “I told you I don’t do sleepovers.”   
He sighed.   
“So what are you doing here?” I asked in my asshole way.  
He shrugged and threw up his hands. “I don’t even know,” he said and shook his head. “I guess to make sure you’re okay, or something. I seem to have to give myself any excuse to come see you.”   
I listened but didn’t really buy it. “What about my jacket?” I asked.   
He looked down a minute. “Right,” he said before opening the door. He grabbed the coat and held it out to me.   
“Thanks for stopping by,” I told him before heading up the stairs.   
“Zayn,” he called just as I took a hold of the door handle.  
I turned and waited.


	10. Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How fucked up is that, Zayn? You can’t even remember what happened to you.” His voice was strained, as if he wanted to yell but he wouldn’t. “I don’t remember where my car is, how am I supposed to know what happened to me?” He sighed and put his fork down. “I told you, I’m not worth trying to figure out.” He frowned and looked up at me. “That’s just it, I do think you’re worth it. You’re just making it really difficult.”

“I just really want to know happened last night,” he said. His eyes were nearly pleading, like he would die if he didn’t know.   
I turned back to the door and pulled it open, holding it for him. I wasn’t sure if I would tell him anything but he seemed to actually care. I don’t know why I cared, though.  
We went upstairs and Harry took off his coat and sat down as I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth to rid my mouth of the taste of vomit and Louis. Then I realized I was starving.

“I’m ordering food. You want some?” I called to Harry from the kitchen. I didn’t really care if he wanted to stay a while; it was all the same, wasn’t it? And he wasn’t bad company. 

He got up and came into the kitchen, stopping in the doorway, and nodded. “Sure.”  
I handed him a menu and went to get my phone. When I came back he had chosen and I called the place. They said it would take about thirty minutes. Who had time to wait that long?   
I hung up and noticed that Harry was still there in the doorway, and he looked kind of sad. I went back to the living room.   
“You know you shouldn’t try to figure me out,” I told him.   
He sat down next to me and watched me. I didn’t look at him and instead kicked my feet up on the table.   
“You’re a fucking mess, aren’t you?” he asked.   
Was this the first time I was hearing him swear? I didn’t realize it would be so hot.   
“A disaster,” I agreed.   
He sighed and turned his attention back to the TV. The food came a little while later and I went to answer the door. When I came back Harry had laid out plates on the table. I had planned to eat on the couch but I guessed that was fine too. I sat down next to him and set the bags down. We ate in silence for a bit, until he spoke up.   
“What place is this from again?”   
“There’s a place just down the block. Perrie used to work there.”   
“The girl who called me last night?” he asked.   
I furrowed my brow. I didn’t remember that.   
“You don’t remember, do you?” he asked.   
I shook my head.   
“How fucked up is that, Zayn? You can’t even remember what happened to you.” His voice was strained, as if he wanted to yell but he wouldn’t.   
“I don’t remember where my car is, how am I supposed to know what happened to me?”   
He sighed and put his fork down.   
“I told you, I’m not worth trying to figure out.”   
He frowned and looked up at me. “That’s just it, I do think you’re worth it. You’re just making it really difficult.”   
I shrugged, giving up. I went back to the couch and sat down. He followed.   
“I’m sorry,” he said.   
I didn’t know exactly what for but I nodded anyway. He wrapped an arm around my waist. We stayed that way for a bit and I leaned into his embrace. Every so often he would kiss the side of my head and I figured it was his way of letting me know what he really wanted. I turned my face and caught his lips the next time and we made out. It was soft and slow, no rush or force. His kisses reminded me of Liam’s more than they did of Louis’s. And he had nearly crawled on top of me and was heavy, but I didn’t care. We stopped a few hours later when my phone rang. I went to get it, passing by the mirror in the hall. My face was flushed pink and my lips were swollen. I answered the phone to find out where my car was. It had been towed and was impounded. I sighed and went back out to the living room. Harry was standing up with his hands in his pockets, waiting for me I guessed.   
“Everything okay?” he asked.   
I shook my head. “My car was towed.”   
He let out a little laugh at my expression.   
“It’s not funny asshole!” I scolded. “Can you take me to pick it up?”   
He nodded and grabbed his keys. I grabbed my coat and we left. In the car Niall called me.   
“What’s up?” I asked.   
“What are you up to, a few of us were gonna get drinks.”   
“I’m with Harry, sorry.”   
“Oh, alright.”   
And with that we hung up. Harry looked at me at the stoplight. “Niall?”   
I nodded.   
“You can go hang out with your mates, Zayn. I wont be offended.”   
I smiled because I was hearing the words but not believing them. I would be pissed and so would he if I just ditched him right then. We hadn’t even finished what we started on the couch.   
“I’m fine, thanks.”   
He smirked a bit at my way of telling him I wanted to spend time with him. Because I did, strangely. Like I said, Harry wasn’t bad company. He was also a great shag.  
We pulled up to the towing yard and I saw my car. A man came out to talk to us.  
“Want to make a trade?” he asked Harry, eyeing the Porsche.   
Harry smiled and politely declined. He was polite even while people were being annoying. I wondered how he did it.   
“I’m here for the range rover,” I told him.   
“Alright, let me go check the books. I think its gonna be about three hundred.”   
Great, I thought as he walked back to the office. My dumbass was going to have to pay three hundred to get back a car that I owned. Owned.   
I looked to Harry to see if he had anything to say. He made a face as if to say tough luck. I knew he was secretly enjoying this, however. He had just been telling me how my blackouts were a major problem. The man came back and I paid him the money. “You better get home then,” Harry said. He seemed sorry to say it.


	11. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the fuck am I gonna do?” I asked no one in particular. “Everything was in there.” Harry moved his hand slowly up and down my back. “You can stay with me while you figure it out.” “I think he better stay with me,” Niall commented. I couldn’t help but think that Niall’s place was a one bedroom with barely enough room for him, let alone me. Harry’s idea was better but I didn’t want to stay with him either.

“You’re not coming?” I asked.   
A small smile found his lips. “Do you want me to?” he asked.   
I smiled to let him know I did.   
He frowned, however. “I have to be up early for work tomorrow.”   
So did I. Who cared. I kissed him. He kissed back, smiling, and nodded. “Okay.”   
I drove back to my place and Harry followed me in the Porsche. But man was I in for a rude awakening when I returned to the building.   
“Zayn thank god!” Louis yelled as I got out of my car.

He and everyone else ran to meet up with me a bit down the street where I parked. Louis grabbed me first, nearly suffocating me with his arms. Then Perrie held on and Josh too.

I looked to Niall. “What happened?”   
“We saw it on the news. The building caught fire. We thought you were still inside,” he explained before hugging me when the others had let go.   
I was shocked, what if I had still been inside? What about Harry? I looked to see him getting out of the Porsche, looking at me. He looked worried. The others noticed where I was looking and Niall waved him over.   
“Zayn, I’m so sorry.”   
I frowned at him and untangled myself from everyone so I could hold onto him. Over his shoulder I could see the old man who lived on the bottom floor. He was a chain smoker and I couldn’t help but get the feeling this was because of him. I wanted to punch him in the face. But Harry had his arms around me and I didn’t feel like letting him go right then.   
“What the fuck am I gonna do?” I asked no one in particular. “Everything was in there.”   
Harry moved his hand slowly up and down my back. “You can stay with me while you figure it out.”   
“I think he better stay with me,” Niall commented.   
I couldn’t help but think that Niall’s place was a one bedroom with barely enough room for him, let alone me. Harry’s idea was better but I didn’t want to stay with him either. I didn’t want this to become something it wasn’t. I let him go and looked to the group. They all seemed to agree it was best and I nodded.   
“Thanks,” I told Harry.   
He gave me a soft smile and kissed the side of my face.   
When I woke up the next morning it took me a minute to realize I was at Harry’s again. This time I was on the couch, however, where I had fallen asleep just an hour before. Harry got up ridiculously early for work and woke me up by mistake. I decided to watch the news as he took a shower. I hadn’t planned on falling asleep again, however. He came out of the bath with only a towel around his waist and ran a hand through my hair as he stood behind the couch. I turned to glare at him, I wasn’t a dog.  
“I just had this great idea,” he told me.   
I waited and thought the excitement in his eyes was charming.   
“I was thinking of getting a new place soon. I’ll tell the guy to rent this one out to you. How bout it?”  
It was nice thought. But I wasn’t a dentist. The store made enough money, but not that much. I could afford the rover and new shipments, but that was why my apartment was seriously lacking. This place looked too expensive.   
“Harry, that’s nice but I don’t think I can afford it.”   
His brow furrowed and he removed his hand from where it had fallen to my shoulder.   
“We can figure it out,” he told me before kissing my forehead and going to change.   
It was nice that he cared but I was going to have to find a dump that was as equally inexpensive as the last one. And fast too. I wasn’t going to live off of Harry. I wasn’t some leech. He came back and made breakfast and we ate before he went to the office. I stuck around a bit longer, moping. My life really sucked right now. And to top it off I was going to have to wear Harry’s clothes, considering mine were probably all ash now. His jeans were all a bit to long because of how ridiculously long his legs were too. I found what I could and was getting dressed when I heard someone come in.   
“Harry?” I asked.   
There was a woman by the door. She looked frightened.   
“Burglar!” she yelled and tried to swat me with her broom. I ducked and made a run for the bedroom again. But she cornered me.   
“I’m not a burglar,” I tried to tell her.   
“Who are you?” she asked.   
“I’m Zayn, a friend of Harry’s.”   
“Mr. Styles doesn’t have any friends who live with him.”   
“I just moved in last night,” I told her.   
She gave me a weary eye. “Why would Mr. Styles want to live with you? You’re not very attractive.”   
I rolled my eyes. And reached for my phone. I dialed Harry.   
“Zayn, it’s not a good time.”   
“Tell me about it,” I told him. “There’s a woman here threatening me with a broom.”   
He went quiet a minute. “That’s Loretta,” he sighed. “Let me talk to her.”   
I handed her the phone.   
“I would not think he was your type,” she told Harry. He said something then and she laughed. I felt myself growing more and more annoyed. When they were finished she handed the phone back to me.   
“I’m Loretta,” she said. “I clean Mr. Styles house everyday at this time.”   
I nodded. “So you’re okay with me being here?” I asked.   
She shrugged. “It’s not my place to say. If Mr. Styles like you then you must be okay. He has very good judgment, you know.”   
That was a nice thing of her to say. I said goodbye to Loretta and headed out. I went to the store first. Niall was already there, setting up the new shipment he had just received. Louis was there too, doing god knows what.


	12. Let

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I need you to talk to me,” his voice was soft but it was more of a demand than a request. Let love find you. Let yourself be happy. So I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, burying my head into his chest. Harry was surprised and it took him a minute to gather me in his embrace.

“How’s domestic life?” Louis asked with a grin.   
“Shut it,” I warned him before going over to the cash register. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”   
Louis shook his head. I realized that I didn’t even know what he did for a living and concluded it was probably nothing.   
“But really, how was it?” Niall asked. I could tell he was actually interested.   
“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”   
Niall nodded. “You could have stayed at mine, you know.”

Louis laughed at that statement. “And sleep where? The floor? Or next to you? Don’t be ridiculous, Niall. And Zayn wants a good shag.” 

I looked up from the shipment papers to glare at Louis. “The fuck do you know anyway?”   
“You’re staying with Harry cause you want his dick, we get it.”   
“I’m staying with Harry because he was the one who offered. Which is more than I can say about a lot of my so called ‘friends’.”   
He shut up after that one. “And I’ve already had his dick, thank you very much.”   
Niall snickered at that one and Louis glared at him. I went back to work to keep my sanity.   
We closed the store early, around two in the afternoon, so I could go and see Perrie. Turns out she had a bit of a problem and needed to talk to me about it. So I drove over to her flat and let myself in when I saw the door was open. She was sitting on the couch with her little dog.   
“What’s up?” I asked as I sat down.   
“Zayn, I have a great favor to ask of you.”   
I waited.   
“I need someone to watch Hatchi for me.”   
Oh no, I was not going to watch that demon dog.   
“Can’t your boyfriend watch him?” I asked.   
“He’s visiting his parents, Zayn, please.”   
She was looking at me with those giant eyes and I found myself slowly giving in, even if I didn’t want to.   
“How long?” I asked.   
“Just a day, two at the most.”   
I rolled my eyes. “I just need to stop by to give him food and water, right?”   
She smiled. “It doesn’t really work like that.”   
I found myself sinking into a really deep hole. What the hell was I agreeing to here? Then I thought of an excuse.   
“I can’t, Harry’s allergic.”   
“You sure?” she asked.   
I nodded quickly. “Yeah, deathly allergic.”   
She frowned. “Oh okay.”   
I was glad to have dodged a bullet with that one and ran out of there as fast as I could. Harry was on his way home and rang to see if I wanted him to bring dinner. I told him I would meet him at home in twenty minutes. Home? Did I just say home? I meant Harry’s place.   
In the meantime I took a detour and drove by my building. I could see that some people were going in to gather their things. I stopped and went in too.   
The place was a black, ashen mess. The only thing that was still standing was the support beams and main staircase and there wasn’t anything left of my flat and I hadn’t expected there to be. I wished the pictures of Liam I had in the closet hadn’t burned, however.  
“Zayn?” I heard a voice.   
I turned, surprised. “Mrs. Payne?”   
She gave me a small smile. “I saw what happened on the news and thought I would stop by. Are you okay?”   
I nodded. “I’m fine, I wasn’t home that night.”   
She said that was good. I asked her what the real reason she came over was, Liam and I had stopped dating two years ago, and she didn’t need to worry about me anymore.   
“At the party I could tell that you’re still grieving Liam,” she started.   
I didn’t say anything.   
“but I want you to know that it’s okay to be happy without him.”   
I frowned.   
“Liam would want that for you,” she said softly.   
Her eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart break. “I still miss him,” I told her.   
She nodded and wiped away a tear. “You always will,” she said. “And I know Liam would want you to remember him but you also have to let love find you again.”   
I furrowed my brow as I felt my own eyes fill. “Let yourself be happy, Zayn.”   
I said I would.   
After I stopped crying, I drove back to Harry’s. He could tell that I had been crying as soon as I walked in.   
“Zayn, are you okay?” he asked, following me into the kitchen.   
I took off my coat and folded it over the chair.   
“Zayn, please talk to me.”  
I ignored him and Harry caught my shoulders, flipping me around and pushing me against the counter. He kept his hands on my shoulders as he looked into his eyes. “I need you to talk to me,” his voice was soft but it was more of a demand than a request.   
Let love find you. Let yourself be happy. So I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, burying my head into his chest. Harry was surprised and it took him a minute to gather me in his embrace. I found myself crying against him. Crying like a little baby. This was embarrassing. But Harry didn’t laugh; he didn’t even flinch when a sob escaped my throat. The only thing he did was hold on tighter and I was glad for it.   
I woke up and sat up, startled by my surroundings. Harry sat up too, resting a hand lightly on my shoulder. We were in his bedroom, I realized. It was where Harry had taken me so I could calm down. I yanked off the sweatshirt I was wearing because the heat of the fabric was starting to choke me. I dried my face too.   
“Zayn, you should talk to someone. And it’s okay if you don’t want that person to be me. Do you want me to call Louis?”   
I was a bit surprised. Louis? I didn’t want to talk to him. I almost never did.   
I sat back against the pillows and shook my head. “I don’t want to talk to Louis.”   
“Well you should talk to someone,” he advised. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep everything to yourself the way that you do.”   
I looked to the clock. It was nearly ten at night. It was just Harry and I in his faintly lit bedroom.   
“Do you have anywhere to be?” I asked.


	13. Silent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My eyes went wide. What the hell did I just say? Everyone was silent. In awe, I determined. “Right, anyone need anything? More sugar?” I asked quickly. “You said boyfriend,” Perrie smiled. “No I didn’t ” I looked to my cup, avoiding eye contact. “Well I’m be damned,” Louis commented. Niall just sat there, silent.

He smiled a bit as he understood that I wanted to talk to him.   
“No, I don’t.” He leaned over and kissed my lips quickly.   
I smiled and took a breath before beginning. I told him everything, starting with Liam. I told him how Liam had been in my life since grade school and how we had dated from the time I was sixteen. I told him how Liam was on his way to see me the night he died, and how he was killed in a car wreck. I told him how much I had loved Liam and how much I wanted to kill to myself when he died, which was something not even Niall knew.

I told him I was still trying to get over it and didn’t know if I ever would. I told him I only became a drunken mess after Liam’s death, until then I had been fine. I told him that it was Liam’s mother that he met at the party and how she had talked to me at my flat that day. I told him how Louis and I now had a fucked up relationship because I was needy but refused commitment. He asked about Perrie. I told him she was just a friend from school. He asked about Niall. I told him that Niall was also a long time friend, but things had gotten complicated. I told him that Niall had a crush on me and he told me he could tell. I told him I didn’t like Niall like that. And surprisingly, after all of that, Harry understood. He simply nodded his head and moved over so he could hold me. It was nice. And after a minute he had one more question. 

“And what about Harry?”   
I turned my head to look in his eyes and I could see that he was completely serious. I didn’t know what to say. Harry is this ridiculously hot motherfucker who kisses like no one I’ve ever met? Harry is the guy that doesn’t have sex with me but makes love to me? How was I supposed to answer that?   
“Harry,” I started. “Harry is-” I paused.   
He just smiled and left a kiss on my cheek. “You don’t have to answer that, Zayn, I was kidding.”   
I punched his arm for making me nervous like that. He punched back and somewhere along the way the punches turned into kissing and kissing turned into more.   
I woke up the next morning when I felt Harry trying to slip out of my touch. Apparently I was holding onto him like my life depended on it cause he was having a really hard time.   
“Where do you think you’re going?” I asked before yawning.   
I held onto his wrist as he tried to reach for his pajama bottoms that were on the floor.   
“The doorbell just rang,” he told me.   
“They can call back,” I said.   
He laughed and slipped out of my grip. I pulled up the covers and waited for him to return. When he did his eyes were a bit wide and he had some unexpected people with him.   
“Morning!” Perrie smiled.   
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to pretend that my ‘friends’ hadn’t just showed up to Harry’s unexpectedly and that this wasn’t a compromising position I was in.   
“Glad to see that guest bedroom is being put to use,” Louis commented.   
I wanted to die. I would never hear the end of this. Harry ushered everyone out of the room and back to the living room and said he would put on a kettle. I unwillingly got up and went into the bathroom that connected to Harry’s room. I took a five-minute shower and got dressed in a sweatshirt and a pair of Harry’s track pants. I made my way to the kitchen to meet Harry, glaring at them as I passed. Harry was at the stove, only in his pajama bottoms. I went over to him, kissed him a proper good morning, and he smiled.   
“Did you plan this?” he whispered after.  
“I would never plan such a monstrosity.”   
He furrowed his brow.   
“I told you, they’re a bunch of weird people.”   
He laughed.   
“Go take a shower, I’ll finish the tea.”   
He kissed the side of my head and went to it. I finished making the tea and brought it out to the assholes.   
“Morning,” Perrie smiled.   
“Whose idea was this?” I asked.   
I could hear the shower running so I knew Harry wouldn’t hear.  
They all looked to Josh, who had been missing in action for the last few days.   
He shrugged, “I was curious.”   
Louis ignored the laughter and turned to me. “Is he good in bed?” he asked.   
I rolled my eyes. Why did he want to know? It wasn’t like he was going to get a chance at it or anything.   
“Very,” I told him. “Now drink your fucking tea and stop fantasying about my boyfriend.”  
My eyes went wide. What the hell did I just say? Everyone was silent. In awe, I determined.   
“Right, anyone need anything? More sugar?” I asked quickly.   
“You said boyfriend,” Perrie smiled.   
“No I didn’t.” I looked to my cup, avoiding eye contact.   
“Well I’m be damned,” Louis commented.   
Niall just sat there, silent.   
“I’m happy for you,” Josh smiled while placing a hand on my shoulder.   
I wanted to jump off a cliff. This was so embarrassing. And to make matters worse Harry was back, his hair still slightly wet and his t-shirt was clinging to the patches of skin he didn’t dry off very well.   
“Sorry,” he apologized to the group in that charming, sophisticated way of his.   
“This is a great place,” Niall commented with a smile.   
“Thanks,” Harry said. “I have to admit that I didn’t decorate though. I hired a designer.”   
The group found that to be amazing apparently, because they were all leaning in like he had just told them the key to immortality or something. Or maybe it was the fact that someone as perfect as Harry was admitting he had no clue when it came to visual design and that was a flaw in his seemingly perfect aura. Harry took a seat on the armrest of the chair I was sitting in and rested a hand on my shoulder. I held out my cup to him and he took it, drinking down the rest.


	14. Dramatic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a strange déjà vu to when Louis had done the same thing when my building had burned down. They were equally as dramatic so I thought it fit naturally. “You didn’t call and then I heard news that your building burned down. I thought you were dead!” I let out a little laugh at that. I told you she was dramatic. “Luckily I wasn’t home when everything went to shit,” I told her.

I saw Josh watching this from the corner of my eye and he was smiling. And not a horrible smirk like the one Louis always wore but like he was genuinely happy. Everyone got up to go a little while later and I took the dishes to the kitchen. But by the time I returned they had already left and I hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye.   
“Perrie told me it was a shame I was allergic to dogs,” Harry told me.   
The confusion on his face was priceless.   
“That was my excuse for not being able to watch her dog, Hatchi.” I told him as he stood by the sink in the kitchen.

I rinsed out another cup before he spoke again. 

“So what are you doing today?” he asked.   
I figured that was an invite to do something with him, but I couldn’t. I made it a point to visit my parents at least once a month and this was the day that I had been telling my mom I would stop by for weeks.   
“I have to go see my parents,” I told him.   
He furrowed his brow.   
“It’s a monthly thing. If I don’t my mom will probably freak out.”   
“Tell them about me,” Harry encouraged.   
I wished I could. “My dad doesn’t believe I’m gay,” I told him. “He thinks I’ve been in some stage, since I was sixteen.”   
Harry frowned and loosely wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he said.   
I shrugged. “It’s whatever, I don’t let it keep me up at night.”   
Harry smiled and kissed the side of my face. “Good boy.”   
I left his house about an hour later, after a lazy make out session during an episode of one of his recorded shows. I took the Range Rover and drove the thirty minutes it took to get to my parent’s house. I parked on the street and headed up the drive. My mother opened the door and ran out of the house to nearly tackle me.   
“Zayn, thank god.”   
This was a strange déjà vu to when Louis had done the same thing when my building had burned down. They were equally as dramatic so I thought it fit naturally.   
“You didn’t call and then I heard news that your building burned down. I thought you were dead!”   
I let out a little laugh at that. I told you she was dramatic.   
“Luckily I wasn’t home when everything went to shit,” I told her.   
“Good,” she nodded.   
Then she pulled at my arm and dragged me into the house. My dad was in his usual spot in the living room, in the same lazy boy that he had been sitting in his whole life. Nothing had changed about the place and it still smelled like it always had.   
“I’m making roast,” my mother smiled. “You’re gonna stay for dinner, right?”   
I nodded and took a seat on the couch, my usual place when I visited.   
“Good,” she said before going back into the kitchen.   
My dad turned his attention away from the TV a moment to look at me.   
“What the hell are you wearing?” he laughed.   
“Borrowed clothes,” I told him.   
“So the building really went to shit, huh?” he asked.   
I nodded.   
“You doing okay?” he asked and I thought it strange. My father wasn’t the type to be caring. He wasn’t the type to be supportive. He wasn’t anything like a father should be, really.   
“I’m fine,” I said.   
My mother came back into the room and I knew she had been listening to our conversation.   
“Where are you staying?” she asked as she wiped her hands on her apron.   
“I’m staying with a friend,” I told her.   
“Niall?” my father asked.   
I shook my head. “No, Niall barely has enough room for himself.”   
“Then who?” my father asked, because to him I had one friend after Liam’s death and that was Niall.   
“Harry,” I told them, knowing the name wouldn’t mean anything to them.   
“Whose Harry?” my mom asked.   
This was why I didn’t stop by more often. I always felt like I was at some interrogation. I knew it was because she cared but I wished she wouldn’t care as much.   
“He’s just a guy a met recently,” I shrugged.   
“You’re living with someone you just met?” she asked. She was shocked and letting her dramatic ways take over again.   
“I’ve known him for nearly two weeks.”   
“Is that your new boyfriend, son?” my father asked.   
I didn’t think I would ever hear the word come out of his mouth. Boyfriend in this context was something my father would never say. I didn’t know how to respond.   
“Well, is he?” he pressed.   
I stuttered. “Yeah, I guess so.”   
“Good for you,” he said.   
This was another comment that threw me off. Who was this man and what had he done with my father?   
“Life is too short,” he said. “I’m glad you’ve finally found someone after Liam passed. It’s good for you.”   
I saw a tear in my mother’s eye at my father’s words. I felt like I could cry too. Was this all some sick joke or was this completely sincere? Did she know something I didn’t?   
“Are you being serious?” I asked.   
My father turned off the TV and completely turned his body to look at me. “I’m serious, son. I want you to be happy. If being with other guys makes you happy than who the fuck am I to say that you can’t?”   
Wow. I didn’t have an answer but I figured the question was rhetorical anyway.   
My mom went back into the kitchen and I was shocked by my dad’s next question. “So what’s he like?”   
I smiled and felt like I could kiss him at that moment. This was all I had wanted my whole life. I wanted my dad to be okay with his only child, only son, being a homo.


	15. Bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Good because I asked my parents if I could bring you to family dinner next weekend.” He furrowed his brow but laughed too. “Can’t wait,” he smiled. “And you’re my date to my cousins wedding,” I added with a smirk. Harry simply smiled and it was so bright and beautiful. “So glad you asked,” he joked.

“He’s great,” I smiled. “He’s really kind and patient, and he just makes me feel safe and.. protected.”   
And my father was smiling. Genuinely smiling at this.   
“What does he do for a living, son?” he asked.   
I loved the way he kept using the word son. Because that’s who I was to him, even if I was living a life different than the one he would have liked for me.   
“He’s a dentist,” I told him. “He fixed my tooth a few weeks ago, that was how we met, actually.”

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the real truth but I wasn’t about to tell my father that we met after a drunken one-night stand. I told him how I had busted my tooth on the sidewalk and how Harry had fixed it free of charge as long as I went out with him. My father thought it was charming and so did my mother, who awwed from the kitchen. We sat down to dinner a few minutes later and I found myself still talking about Harry. I couldn’t shut up about him. But my parents didn’t seem to care. They just seemed happy and I just wanted to die. This was fucking amazing. 

I was sad to leave them but I had to go after dinner. I was wondering about Harry and if he had sat at home alone all day. But before I went my mother packed a plate and told me it was for Harry. I thanked her and just as I was about to go she said there was one more thing. She went into the kitchen and brought out a small white card. I opened it to see that it was an invite to my cousin’s wedding that was two weeks from today.   
“You better be there,” my father smiled. “Bring Harry too.”   
I smiled and told him I would. Then I asked if I could bring Harry over the next weekend. My mother was more than happy to say yes. I smiled and gave them both a hug and kiss before I left.   
I drove home smiling like an idiot. I was so happy. And I hadn’t been that happy in long time. I mean real happiness, not the shit you can fake. On the way back Harry called.   
“Hey,” I answered.   
“Hey, when you headed back?” he asked. “I’m starving."   
“On my way now, actually. And lucky you because I’ve been sent with a plate that has your name on it.”   
I could hear him smile. “Wait, so you told them about me?”  
I smiled. “I did.”   
He said he was surprised and I told him I would tell him all about it when I got back. And I did. When I pulled up to the condo Harry came out and greeted me right away. He took the food and carried it in for me while I began my story. He went into the kitchen and I followed, telling him about what my dad had said. He was smiling as he sampled my mother’s recipe. He said it was phenomenal.   
“Zayn,” he said between bites and smiles, “I don’t think I’ve seen you so happy before.”  
I smiled and shrugged. “I don’t know what it is but I’m fucking ecstatic right now!”   
Harry nearly spit his food.   
We stayed that way for what seemed like hours. Just talking and laughing in the kitchen. Harry asked me a million questions about my family just as they had asked a million about him. I was in heaven. So much so that I nearly didn’t get to my phone on time when it started ringing.   
It was Perrie. “Get in loser, were going clubbin.”   
I laughed before covering the microphone and asking Harry if he wanted to. His mouth was too full to talk so he just nodded his head quickly.   
“Meet you there,” I told her.   
Harry and I got changed and took a cab to the pub. I spotted Niall and Louis near instantly.   
“Why are you so happy? Niall asked.   
“I just am,” I smiled.   
Louis furrowed a brow and I ignored it. Nobody could ruin this for me. Perrie appeared too and they all greeted Harry. Everyone was dancing and having fun when I pulled Niall aside. I wanted to tell him about my dad. When I did he smiled. He told me he was happy for me and I thanked him. Perrie was there too and she overheard. She left a big sloppy kiss on my cheek in that way of hers. When they stopped freaking out I looked around and realized I didn’t see Harry. I asked Josh if he had seen him and he said no. I furrowed my brow when Louis thought it would be a good time to get in my face.   
“So now what?” he asked condescendingly. “I can’t kiss you anymore because you’ve got a boyfriend?”   
I wanted to punch him. Any other person would understand that. Everyone but Louis. Was it a hard concept to grasp? If I didn’t want him in the two years I was single and fucking anything that moved, than why would I want him now? Especially with Harry wanting me? And he was too close to me now, so close that I could smell the liquor on his breath. Suddenly Louis turned his head and I was glad to see Harry. Harry had tapped his shoulder and when Louis had turned he had looked like a scared little puppy. Harry was nearly a whole head taller than Louis and Louis was intimidated, I could tell. Harry didn’t say anything. I don’t think he had to. His face held all the information Louis would ever need. And he was hot jealous, very hot.   
A few hours later we called it a night and took a cab back to Harry’s. I could tell there was something on his mind as we were getting changed in the walk-in closet.  
“Are you mad about Louis?” I asked.   
He turned to face me and gave me a light smile. “No,” he said.   
I waited before I said anything because it seemed that he would go on.   
“Perrie told me something tonight,” he went on.   
Oh god. Perrie did have a mouth on her.   
“she said that this morning you had called me your boyfriend by mistake.”   
I felt my face redden. Oh god this was embarrassing.   
“Only I wish it wasn’t by mistake,” he said, stepping closer.   
He was close enough now that I could just lean up and kiss him, so I did.   
“I told my parents that you were my boyfriend,” I told him.   
He smiled.   
“Not by mistake,” I added.   
He kissed me again and I was smiling. “Then it’s settled,” he said. “You and I are together.”   
The way the word together formed with his lips was incredible. Together. And that was it, and it was simple, and life was grand. I was still so happy that I laughed. “Good because I asked my parents if I could bring you to family dinner next weekend.”   
He furrowed his brow but laughed too. “Can’t wait,” he smiled.   
“And you’re my date to my cousins wedding,” I added with a smirk.   
Harry simply smiled and it was so bright and beautiful. “So glad you asked,” he joked.


	16. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was looking at the ground in a way that made me feel like a dick. He was hurt. Someone as invincible as Louis was hurt. I felt like punching myself in the face. And god knows I deserved it. “I don’t think I can see you for a while,” he told me. I nodded to let him know that was okay. I understood that he would need time.

“So all this sitting around is why you couldn’t come to the store today?” Niall asked with a smile as he came in.   
“Were taking a break!” Perrie exclaimed.   
Niall smiled and looked around at all the boxes. “Well looks like you guys got a lot done,” he commented.   
“A lot?” I asked. “This is only the stuff that fucker had in the basement. We haven’t even begun with anything else.”   
“Speaking of the fucker, where is he?” Niall asked.

“You mean his boyfriend?” Perrie asked with a smirk.

“At work until three,” I told him before shooting Perrie a look.   
Niall furrowed his brow. “It’s official then?” he asked.   
I had to laugh. Official sounded ridiculous. We were officially in a relationship? Was what we were before not real or something? I let it go and nodded to tell him it was true.   
Niall smiled. “That’s fantastic mate.”   
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I laughed. “Did you forget the coffee?”   
Niall shook his head.   
Perrie and I both looked to him.   
“Okay, maybe I did,” he admitted. “Sorry!"  
“That’s fine, I can make some.”   
I got up off my ass then and went to it as Perrie and Niall went downstairs to see if they could sort anything else. When I heard someone come into the kitchen I thought it was Josh because it was to early for Harry to be back. But it wasn’t Josh or Harry, it was Louis.   
“What are you doing here?” I asked.   
It wasn’t a rude question. It was just a general, honest question. He was the one who got in my face the other night. If I wanted to forget about it and move on then that was my choice. But it seemed Louis wasn’t ready to forget about it just yet as he crossed his arms.   
“I’m still angry with you,” he told me.   
I shrugged as if to tell him there was nothing I could do about it. And there really wasn’t.   
“Well I’m not angry with you,” I told him.   
“You led me on for years, Zayn. And now you just go and get yourself another boyfriend?”   
His questions were legitimate, I had to admit. It was kind of an asshole thing to do, but that was who I was at the time. Now I was better, I think.   
“Louis, you were there for me when I was at my worst after Liam, and I thank you for that. What I did was wrong and you’re right. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. We can only forget about it and move on.”   
He didn’t like that answer. He didn’t like it one bit. He let an exhausted sigh escape him and he flicked his hair to the side in that sassy was of his.   
“It’s not fair that I was the one who was here all along and you still choose Harry, someone you have known for two weeks at the most.”   
I shrugged again. I couldn’t explain it. No one could. It was just what I felt. What Harry made me feel. For so long I had this complex that no one would ever want me again and that kept me from letting anyone in. But that motherfucker had been persistent and showed that he cared more than anyone else. And I liked that. It only made sense that I would choose him. I’d still choose him even if I didn’t know him that well. I’d always choose him because Harry had made an impact on my life. He helped me to fix my damaged heart. So a piece of it would always be his. That was only fair, right?   
And Louis had only helped me to drink and suppress my lust when I felt like going mad. Louis was only superficial and Harry was more. The choice was obvious, I was sure. Obvious to anyone but Louis.   
“I’m sorry,” I said, because it was the only thing I had left.   
He was looking at the ground in a way that made me feel like a dick. He was hurt. Someone as invincible as Louis was hurt. I felt like punching myself in the face. And god knows I deserved it.   
“I don’t think I can see you for a while,” he told me.   
I nodded to let him know that was okay. I understood that he would need time. It made sense.   
“Give me a call when you’re ready to,” I asked.   
He nodded before turning around and making his way out. I followed to the doorway of the kitchen so I could see him go. The moment was sad. Nearly everything was sad. What happened to my happiness from just a few days ago when Harry had said we were together? What happened to me, to Zayn?   
Harry came in then, hands in his pockets to fight the cold, brow furrowed, and cheeks red from the wind. “Was that Louis?” he asked.   
He must have seen him on the driveway when he pulled in and Louis pulled out. I nodded.   
“Did something happen?” he asked as he came over to me. His hands found my hips and rested there lightly. This man cared about me more than anything, I realized.   
I nodded and hugged him, resting my head against his shoulder.   
“He doesn’t want to see me for a while,” I told him.   
Harry moved his arms up so he was hugging me. “Was it something I did?” he asked.   
“No, it was me. I choose you and I guess all this time he had been waiting for me to choose him.”   
Harry bowed his head so he could rest his cheek against my hair. “You okay?” he asked, and it was more of a whisper than a question.   
“I’m fine,” I told him.   
He hugged a bit tighter and I couldn’t help but feel better because his touch was magic or something. We let go a minute later and Harry kissed me and I smiled at him before seeing Perrie was in the room.   
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.   
Harry turned and his expression was a bit of shock mixed in with trying to hold in a laugh.   
“Not that long,” Perrie said and looked to the side.   
“Liar,” I accused.   
“Well I just wanted to see if the coffee was done. And then I saw that and well I couldn’t walk away from all the cuteness.”


	17. Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is wonderful,” my dad smiled when we all sat down to dinner. “I’m glad you like it,” Harry smiled as he came into the room with the last plate of food. He looked great that night. He was wearing a light green cable knit sweater and dark jeans. His hair was curlier than usual it seemed and his eyes shown bright. He sat down in the empty chair next to me and I felt proud to be with him.

Harry laughed as I pretended to be angry with her. I got the coffee ready and brought it out to the living room where everyone had sat down. It was getting dark out now and I realized that Perrie and I had been at this all day.   
“Thanks for coming by to help,” Harry told them as he took a seat next to me. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more help, though.”   
He was so fucking polite that it killed me. And I was proud to be with someone like that. Because people like that were amazing. And they made the people around them better too.

“It’s no problem,” Perrie smiled as she flicked her wrist. “you’ve got some interesting things in that basement.” 

Harry nodded and smiled. “You found the mummies?” he asked.   
Perrie nodded. He told her the story of his trip to Egypt when he was in college. I nodded as I sort of listened because I had already heard this story. Harry had told me one night after we had sex and neither of us wanted to go to sleep just yet. After the story and a bit of television we called it a day and Perrie and Niall left. I hauled one more box upstairs while Harry took a shower. While I pushed some of the boxes into the foyer so it would be easier for the movers, Harry waited in the living room. His hair was still wet and he was wearing only his track pants.   
“Zayn, there’s something we should talk about, now that I think of it.”   
I furrowed my brow and he gestured to the couch. I sat down and he turned off the TV.   
“Do you want me to talk to the landlord about leasing you this place? I know you’ve been helping me but have you been looking for places for yourself?”   
I forgot all about it. I hadn’t even given it one look online, I realized. I guess I just hadn’t thought about it, or wanted to, maybe. It was easy living with Harry, who could blame me for forgetting?   
“I haven’t,” I told him.   
“Are you going to?” he asked.   
And I thought, shit, Harry had a place to go. But I didn’t. I needed to get my shit together.   
“I’ll call some places tomorrow,” I told him.   
“Because you can still stay with me, if you want.”   
I looked at him to see that his face was completely earnest.   
“Of course I want to, Harry, but its probably not a good idea.”   
He furrowed his brow and looked down, hurt by what I had said.   
“I mean I love living with you, but I can’t become dependent on it. I have to find my own place again.”   
Harry nodded.   
“You’re not gonna be my sugar daddy,” I joked.   
“Is that what you think?” Harry laughed. “I meant that my new place could be our new place, Zayn.”   
“What?” I asked, a small smile on my lips.   
“I haven’t finished the papers yet,” Harry shrugged. “If you want it to be ours, it can be.”  
I smiled at that. That was really nice. And sweet. And thoughtful.   
“Okay, it’s ours then.”   
And I was smiling and happy. Because I haven’t been happy in a long time. I deserved it even if Louis didn’t think so. So we waited for Harry’s hair to dry a bit more before we drove to the new place so he could show me around. It was another condo, only larger. Why one man needed so much space was still baffling to me. When you first walked in you had the foyer, small office type rooms to your left and right, and a staircase to go upstairs to the second floor. The first floor had a giant kitchen where everything from the counters to the tiles on the floor was new. The living room was the same and had a charming stone fireplace. I loved it. It was cozy and it felt like something promising.   
We moved over Harry’s things as soon as possible.   
“Just one more thing Mr. Styles,” the owner asked of him.   
We were in the kitchen, I was unpacking dishes, and Harry was trying to make coffee. Harry turned and smiled at him.   
“I just need a signature,” he said as he handed Harry a clipboard. He glanced at me and gave me a light smile. I smiled too. Harry signed the paper and then handed it to me. I was surprised.   
“Go on, you too.” Harry encouraged.   
“Are you sure?” I asked.   
All eyes were on me and I felt nervous. The man smiled. So I signed it. And when I did Harry came over and wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my cheek.   
“Thank you gentlemen,” the man smiled. “Pleasure doing business with you.”   
We shook hands and walked him out.   
“Wow, this is really ours.”   
Harry smiled and kissed the side of my head again. “Yup.” 

That weekend instead of heading to my parents for dinner we invited them over, along with my friends. Everyone but Louis was there because he refused to answer his phone when I called him. But that was alright, because he still needed time, and I was okay with that.   
“This is wonderful,” my dad smiled when we all sat down to dinner.   
“I’m glad you like it,” Harry smiled as he came into the room with the last plate of food.  
He looked great that night. He was wearing a light green cable knit sweater and dark jeans. His hair was curlier than usual it seemed and his eyes shown bright. He sat down in the empty chair next to me and I felt proud to be with him. Dinner was filled with casual conversation and it was nice. My parents seemed relaxed and happy and so was I.   
When everyone got up to go into the living room I noticed my dad was having some trouble getting up.   
“You okay, dad?” I asked.   
He nodded but didn’t say anything. I looked to my mom with a furrowed brow. She stood by his chair, unmoving. He was looking down and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was wrong.   
Harry poked his head back in the room a second. “Zayn, can you grab the bottle opener?” he asked.   
But when he noticed us his smiled faded and he came over. “Is everything okay?” he asked as he rested a hand on my shoulder.   
“I’m fine, I’ve just eaten to much!” My father exclaimed with a laugh.   
I let out a sigh. He had really scared me. Harry smiled and offered him a hand. 

Niall, Perrie, and Josh let a little while earlier. I wanted to walk them out but my father asked me to stay back a second so Harry went alone.   
“Son,” he said. “I really like Harry.”   
I smiled. “That’s great dad.”   
“I’m really happy for you,” he added.   
I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight.


	18. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry said that would be fine and we got Niall into the back. I dropped Harry at home and then took Niall home before finally getting back home myself. I was surprised to see Lou’s car parked on the street out front. I went in and was shocked. There was Harry, with Louis’s hands around his face, kissing Lou. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to die.

The next week was my cousin’s wedding, meaning Harry and I had to get fitted for tuxes. We went with Niall and Josh, who were also invited. All of my friends we really family, I had to admit.   
“Do you know if Lou was invited?” I asked Josh when Harry was out of earshot.   
He furrowed his brow. “No. Do you want me to ask him?”   
I shook my head. “No, no, that’s alright. Even if he was he probably won’t come.”   
Josh nodded in agreement as Harry and Niall came into the room.   
Harry looked so good in that tux. Niall, not so much.

“I think the pants are a bit to tight,” Josh noticed. 

“You think?” Niall asked, his voice a bit higher than usual.   
Harry laughed as the woman took Niall back into the fitting room. I went over to him and told him he looked great. He smiled and kissed me.   
After getting fitted we headed out to lunch where we ran into Perrie.   
“Hey guys,” she smiled nervously.   
“What’s wrong?” Niall asked.   
“Louis is here with me, he’s in the bathroom.”   
Would he want to stay when he saw me? I didn’t know. We grabbed a table near Perrie and Lou’s and ordered. Louis came back a few minutes later and seemed surprised to see me. He didn’t look at anyone else for a minute.   
“Zayn, hey.” He smiled and hugged me.   
I was a bit shocked. He didn’t want to talk to me on the phone but could hug me in public? Was Louis faking liking me for face value right now? I tried not to think about it and looked back to my menu. Harry wanted to order the seafood platter because he claimed it was the best thing the place had to offer. I smiled at his excitement and asked if he wanted to split it.   
“I’d split anything with you,” he smiled before kissing my cheek. “Even my favorite dish.”   
I laughed a bit and saw Louis roll his eyes. He had been faking. He didn’t care about me. He just cared what everyone else thought of him. I tried to ignore him though and focused on Harry because the way we were all sitting was awkward. Everyone was on one side of the table and Harry and I were on the other, with Louis in the middle. And since no one knew what Louis was up too, it was making it a bit hard to have a proper conversation. Even so the food came a bit later and I tried the platter. Harry had been right, it was amazing. I steered clear of the squid, however.   
“Try it,” Harry insisted.   
I shook my head. “No way,” I smirked.   
“Open,” he ordered as he held a piece in front of my face.   
I sighed and did as he asked, grimacing at the texture in my mouth.   
“Zayn looks like he’s just eaten road kill!” Perrie exclaimed from the other end.   
“Squid,” I told her after a swallowed.   
“Why would you eat that?” she asked and her nose scrunched together.   
“I made him try it,” Harry said. His smile was smug.   
“Aww, he did it for love,” Josh laughed.   
I felt myself blush at that comment. It was true, I’d do anything for Harry. He knew it too because he took my hand under the table and laced my fingers with his before kissing my head softly.   
Louis was listening to this whole ordeal and rolling his eyes the entire time. I wondered when he was going to blow up and make some rude remark. I hadn’t yelled at anyone in a long while and I felt like maybe I could do with a good fight tonight.   
But he didn’t say anything and when we all got up to leave, he was the first to get out of the place. Harry and I were ready to go but stuck around a bit, flirting outside the restaurant as we waited for everyone to come outside. Niall was shitfaced as usual, I realized.   
“Where are the pints at?” he asked me with a slur.   
I had to laugh.   
Perrie said something but I didn’t listen as Harry leaned down to whisper in my ear.   
“I love your friends but I’ve gotta get home if I’m gonna get up for work tomorrow,” he told me.   
I nodded and told him to start the car. He nodded and waved a goodbye to everyone.  
“Can you take Niall home?” Perrie asked. “I would but I’ve got to catch a cab.”   
Josh couldn’t take him either and I didn’t even want to bother with asking Louis. I said goodbye to everyone and dragged Niall to the car. Harry got out to help me as Niall really wasn’t helping with the whole walking thing.   
“Niall?” he asked.   
“We’ve got to take him home,” I explained. “But I’ll drop you off first, so you can get to bed if you want.”   
Harry said that would be fine and we got Niall into the back. I dropped Harry at home and then took Niall home before finally getting back home myself. I was surprised to see Lou’s car parked on the street out front. I went in and was shocked. There was Harry, with Louis’s hands around his face, kissing Lou. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to die. Everything in me wanted to explode.   
Harry pushed him off and Louis looked to me in the doorway, smirking. I looked to Harry’s eyes and I could see the fear in them, like he was terrified of what I would think. But Louis was too distracting for me to even think about Harry. He was smirking and he looked so evil and I was disgusted. But I wasn’t in the fighting mood anymore, not after this. So I ran for it. I got back in the Range Rover and pulled out of the driveway as fast as I could. Harry had run out after me and he was yelling my name but I couldn’t stop. There was no way. I needed to get away from this.   
I drove to Perrie’s and told her what happened. She had cradled me in her arms and said I could stay the night. I thanked her and curled up on the couch. I realized that I only wanted Harry right then, but I didn’t dare pick up the phone, even if he hadn’t stopped calling since I left.   
Louis knew what kissing Harry would do to me, and he still did it. He knew about my trust issues. He knew Harry was the best thing that had happened to me in the longest time. I couldn’t believe this.   
And Perrie had taken my phone. She was talking to Harry and I could faintly hear his voice. He sounded like he was struggling to catch his breath.   
“He’s just really shaken up right now,” she told him. “No, I think it’s best if you stay home.”


	19. Upgrade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I guess Harry’s not talking to you, huh?” he asked, pretending to look around for him. “Maybe he’ll upgrade and date me.” So I punched him. So hard that I split a knuckle on his jaw. He was on the ground, curled up in a ball, when Harry opened the door and I saw him and Perrie watching me. They were shocked.

The next few days I bummed around between Perrie and Niall’s so I couldn’t really be found. I wasn’t avoiding Harry really, but I was avoiding him nonetheless. I wanted to talk to him but the things I was feeling made it hard. Because my reaction was always to push away, not bring in.  
The wedding was a few days later. I didn’t know if Louis would attend but if he did I would give him a piece of my mind. Over the past few days my shock had grown into anger and I was ready to deck him. I didn’t know if Harry would come either, I realized. I hoped he wasn’t angry with me.

I pulled up to the venue and didn’t see the car of Louis or Harry. I went in and found my parents first. 

“Where’s Harry honey?” my mom asked.   
“He’s probably still at work,” I told her. Because I couldn’t tell her the truth. She was so happy for me and I wouldn’t ruin it by saying I had messed up again and Harry probably didn’t want to see me. And I deserved having to lie, for being a prick.  
She nodded and smiled.   
“Where’s dad?” I asked.   
“The bathroom,” she told me.   
I thought I would wait for him to come back to say hello but she encouraged me to find my friends. So I went at it and ran into Niall at the bar.  
“Haven’t seen the asshole,” he told me. “I’d like to punch him in the face for ya.”   
“Go right ahead,” I told him.   
He frowned. “I am sorry though,” he said.   
I gave him a light hug. I knew he was. So was I.   
I knew Louis did it with one intention and that was to hurt me. I hadn’t meant to hurt him but he had hurt me, on purpose. And just when I had thought I was getting better.   
I gestured for the bartender to come over but Niall shot me a look.  
“What?”   
“Zayn, you know that’s not a good idea right now.”   
I sighed and rolled my eyes. But secretly I was thankful for Niall, because he was there for me and knew I would become a monster if I drank.   
“I agree,” I heard a voice behind me.   
I turned to see Harry. He was in his tux and he looked hot. But his mouth was hard and I tried to avoid his stare.   
“I won’t drink, I get it.”   
They both seemed satisfied. Then Niall excused himself to go find Perrie. Harry caught my shoulder with his hand when I tried to leave too.   
“Zayn, can we talk?” he asked.   
I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say. But he took my hand anyway, intertwining our fingers. He led me out of the party and out the back exit. The sun was going down and it was a pretty sight.   
“Tell my why you haven’t answered my calls,” he demanded.   
I didn’t say anything and instead I looked to the sky, taking in the colors. Harry stepped into my view.   
“I don’t know!” I snapped at him and I shouldn’t have. I was sorry for it the moment it happened.   
He frowned and looked to the ground.   
“Sorry,” I whispered.   
He raised his hand and let it rest on my cheek. Just then an already drunk and loud couple came bursting through the door. Harry waited for them to pass and wasn’t paying attention to me anymore. But I wanted the attention back. I needed it. So I leaned up and kissed him, hard. He was a bit shocked. I didn’t say anything.   
“Zayn, you’re gonna talk to me,” he ordered. “I’m not letting you shut me out again.”   
“There’s nothing to say,” I told him.   
He shook his head and looked like he just might give up. I realized I didn’t want that. But I wasn’t controlling myself at the moment, anger was. And anger would, until I got rid of it.   
“Sorry,” I said before pushing past him and back inside.   
Because I didn’t want to hurt Harry and staying might have made me. I went and got a glass of champagne from the bar and went to find Perrie. I didn’t really want anything from her, maybe just the company. She saw that I was upset and hugged me.   
“Its okay, I don’t think Louis is coming,” she offered.   
“I don’t give a fuck,” I told her. “If he came I would just give him a right punch in the jaw.”   
“God knows he deserves it,” she nodded.   
“Hey, have you seen my parents?” I asked.   
She shook her head. “Were they here?” she asked.   
I thought that strange. She hadn’t seen them at all? I asked a few other people and they said the same thing. So I called my mom. And she was crying on the phone.   
“Mom?” I asked. “Are you okay, what’s wrong?”   
She sobbed on the other line. “Just come quick Zayn, the hospital.”   
Hospital? Why was she there? Where was my dad? A million questions ran threw my head. But I had to go. I was trying to leave when Perrie caught my shoulder.   
“Where are you going?” she asked.   
“Apparently my mom is at the hospital,” I told her.   
Her eyes went wide and she left me go. I ditched the champagne and headed out through the front. I didn’t see Harry and I was glad. Had he been the one that asked what happened, I might have not made it out without making a fool of myself and crying in front of everyone.   
“Leaving so soon?”   
It was Louis. I stopped, next to him; our shoulder’s nearly touching.   
“Perfect timing considering you’ve decided to show up,” I shot back.   
“I guess Harry’s not talking to you, huh?” he asked, pretending to look around for him. “Maybe he’ll upgrade and date me.”   
So I punched him. So hard that I split a knuckle on his jaw. He was on the ground, curled up in a ball, when Harry opened the door and I saw him and Perrie watching me. They were shocked. I didn’t have time to deal with that now.


	20. He Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry thought there was more to me than this. He could see it. And maybe I could too. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it sounded cheesy. Maybe it was only a faint glimmer but I would find it. I would. I just needed some help. And he was willing. And he was perfect. And he was love.

came to the hospital as fast as I legally could. I demanded to see my parents right away and was told their room number. I ran through the hospital. I didn’t care who saw me or gave me a strange look. When I got to the room I found my father on the hospital bed and my mother in one of the chairs in the room, crying.   
“What happened?” I asked her.   
She couldn’t contain her sobs long enough to stay anything. She just stared at me through foggy eyes and cried. My father had his eyes closed and it was like any old scene from a movie, like he was asleep in the hospital bed. But there was something very wrong with this scene.

The monitors. They were all off. Nothing was beeping. There was no sound except my mother’s tears. I felt my eyes filling with tears as I was slowly piecing it together. He was dead. 

And I cried. I fell to my knees. Never had I felt so broken. This was Liam’s death all over again. Only worse. This must have been what hell felt like.   
I went to my mother, hugging her, crying on her shoulder. And I went home with her, to avoid any contact with the outside world. I didn’t sleep that night, or the next. I became a shell of who I was. I didn’t need to eat, I didn’t need anything. But my mother, she was stronger than I was. She had put it together for me, she tried not to cry in front of me, and she wanted to take care of me. I didn’t want to be taken care of. I didn’t want anything but to sit in my father’s chair and pretend this didn’t happen. And I was doing a fine job of it too. Until Niall showed up one day.   
I yelled at my mother for calling him. I yelled at him for showing up. When he left she had scolded me. I asked her why my father had died. She told me. He knew he was going to die. They had told him when his last two weeks were. He was suffering from lung cancer and had never told me. Apparently no one thought it would be a good idea to tell me.   
I asked her if his sincerity about Harry and about my lifestyle had been fake. She said no. She said that my father had changed his life in those two weeks because he wanted to be happy. And he was still happy for me, looking down on me now.   
I remembered at the dinner when he had trouble getting up and how he had played it off and how I believed it. How gullible was I? How stupid can one person be? I was so angry. I was so sad. I was in so much pain. And I could only think of one person I wanted to see. So I called him. But he didn’t answer. And he wasn’t at the office. So I gave up. He was better off to ignore me, I knew. I was a disaster and he knew it. Everyone knew it. I was a fool to think I could recover from Liam. I was a fool to think that I could be happy.   
“What about the store?” my mother asked one day.   
I shrugged. “Niall can handle it. He can have it if he wants.”   
She shook her head, like she was disappointed. The last time this had happened, when Liam happened, I had thrown myself into work to keep me busy. But I didn’t have the energy for it now. I didn’t have the willpower. I wanted to kill myself.   
“I’m going out,” my mother said the next day. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”  
I told her no. And then I thought about it. I thought about it a long time. Should I do it? Should I just end my life? But Harry kept coming back to my mind, and how he would be hurt if I did. Well maybe, who knows?   
I heard a knock at the door. I got up, figuring it was another delivery of flowers from Perrie. I was shocked to see him. I tried to close the door but he caught it and overpowered me.   
“What do you want?” I asked.   
“I want to talk to you,” he told me, placing a hand on my back and leading me back to the living room.   
“There isn’t anything to say,” I told him.   
“Niall said this is just like the last time,” he began. “You shut everyone out when Liam died too.”  
I crossed my arms and glared at him.   
“You might be able to shut them out but you wont shut me out.”   
His expression was hard. And he was serious. Completely.   
“Don’t take it personally,” I remarked. “It’s what I do.”   
He shook his head. “That’s what you did. Past tense. I told you, you’re not doing that again.”   
I didn’t say anything. Where was Harry going with this?  
“Because when I met you, you shut me out just like everyone else.”   
I didn’t have anything to say and figured it wasn’t my time to speak anyway.   
“But I didn’t give up. I stuck around and eventually you let me in. So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m gonna wait and I’m gonna get you back.”   
“Why the fuck do you care?” I nearly spat. “I was a mess then and I’m a mess now. You didn’t fix me, you idiot. I will always be like this.”   
He shook his head. “That’s not the Zayn that I fell in love with,” he told me.   
I swallowed. Hard. What? I looked around the room nervously.   
“I love you.” He said it again and I didn’t know what to do. I felt my eyes filling with tears. I drew in a shaky breath. He moved over and pressed me into his chest. I was enchanted with the smell of him again.   
“I love you,” he repeated.   
And he would fix me. I could feel it. I was feeling it.   
“Sometimes we don’t see ourselves in the way others do,” he said. “We see ourselves as these monsters that constantly make mistakes and hurt people. We should see ourselves in the light that other people see us in. But we don’t. We don’t because we’re to busy focusing on our flaws.”   
I lifted my head to look him in the eyes.   
“You don’t see yourself like I see you.”   
Harry thought there was more to me than this. He could see it. And maybe I could too. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it sounded cheesy. Maybe it was only a faint glimmer but I would find it. I would. I just needed some help. And he was willing. And he was perfect. And he was love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you thought of this story. :)


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